WWMD?

Dear Diary,
I have come to a major life descisionon. I have decided to do what Madonna would do. that's it. in any life situation. instead of "what would jesus do?" i'm going to ask "what would Madonna do?" I figure, she has made it to the top, she has two beautiful children she adores, she's married to a handsome, successful and emotionally stable husband she has earned more than any other female music entertainer in the history of all time, she has developed a cute little british accent, she has made millions writing children's books, she looks great at almost (gasp) 50 and to top it off she is spiritually attuned with the kabbalah.

I had this (wwmd?) revelation the other night at work. I was taking care of some major vip doctor who is the head of something in some big hospital in New York. And what do I want to do in a year? I want to move there, but I need a job there first. So I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to do a little networking....i mean, here I am, busting my butt helping this schmuck, changing his linens, emptying his urinal, not laughing at his little cute stuffed dog he's clutching, getting him fresh ice water, picking up loose trash on his nightstand, you get the idea. the least he could do was get me a job at his hospital. so i decided to wait until morning, when he was more awake and when his fever went down, to hit him up for a job. morning comes and I go in the bathroom, asking god to help me do this, especially asking that i don't offend him or seem intrusive on his death bed (ok, he wasn't dying, but all middle aged men in the hospital think that they are dying). so i put on my "good morning" smile and enter his room. what do I find? his daughter, obviously a jewish princess with her primly cut shoulder length chocholate brown shiny hair, perfect eye brows, clear skin, flashing a smile that the rich give to their help. She was in a chair, hunched over his bedside and they were speaking in near whispers. it looked as if he were telling her the secret of the ages, or telling her how sorry he was for never being there and she was eagerly listening, as if hearing words she had longed to hear her entire life. This was not the time to ask him for a job. So I pretended I entered the room to collect the dirty linens and smiled as I left. damn. Now, a few minutes later I saw the daughter leave his room and exit the floor. I wished her a god day as she passed by. actually i said "take care" which is an expression I picked up from my brooklyn Italian godparents and it was perfect since she is also from brooklyn. I wanted to get as many kiss as brownie points I could get and where else to start then with the old man's family. Anyway, I digress.
so, she left and he was a lone and I could have gone in there, and straightened up a little and mentioned my future plans and ask if he knew where I might be to get work, i could have twinkled my eyes, batted my lashes. but no. i have to think of him and his feelings. i thought he's too tired and he just had a heart to heart with his daughter. i 'll wait until tonight when i come back to work, after all, he'll still be here. so i leave. when i got to work i looked at the assignment board and realized he had been discharged during the day. i missed my opportunity to schmooze with an important doc at an important ny hospital.
now. what would madonna have done? that bitch would have walked right in his room the minute she found out who this old man was and would have told him she was moving back to ny in a year and was looking for a job. then she would have gotten down on her knees, sucked his wrinkled old dick and in between sucks and licks she would have asked "can you help get me a job"? she would have become his secretary and would have gone to nursing school while taking his notes and making his phone calls and then when she graduated he would have given her a fab job and would then she would work the hospital ladder and before you know it we would be reading about this famous nurse who discovered the cure for AIDS. ok, maybe she wouldn't have discovered the cure for aids. ok, ok she may not have sucked his dick either. she would do a sexy little tittie striptease though. and you can be damn sure that she would put his feelings aside and asked him for a job. and she would have gotten that goddamn job and would have left this culture deprived city. this city where i actually saw a license plate on the back of a big navy blue suv that says "UDAMAN". She would never live in a city where someone would put that on the back of their oil guzzler. and if she found out that someone had put that on their license plate in a city where she lived she would move. or she would get one of her dancers/bodyguards to blow the mother fuckin' suv up, while vogueing.
that's what madonna would do. and that's what i would do to.